another average night

woa. anxiety totally sucks.

i find myself paralyzed, timidly peering into the depths of my anxious mind, my toes over the edge, a swirling black pitch beneath me.

these aren't the kind of feelings that can be funneled into letters and spit out in words. they are untranslateable.

i don't want to be alone. i feel like all would be better if i just had arms to hold me. because of this, i wonder if there ever will be.

i know God wants me to rely solely on him. is this his way of breaking me? i have to admit, i'd rather not be broken. i'd rather just have the benefits from the start. i've been thinking that this is why i'll have to wait so long to be with the boy- because it can still too easily crawl onto the throne of my heart. our relationship is my isaac. God asks me to put it on the altar everyday, and he promises to provide the ram.

oh Lord, this is so hard. it is so hard to be apart. it is so hard to hurt and have him hundreds of miles away. be my comfort, Jesus. be the arms that surround me.