just real

i came to this place because i wanted to be real. at xanga, everyone has their impressions of me. i can't post things only for certain people. if i post, everyone sees it. here, no one but sonia, a wonderful girl i hardly know, knows that this is this girl laid out in this text box. i hope, unless i invite the boy to come here, that it stays that way. it is freer, like sending out messages in a bottle.

i have been so anxious and irritable this week. wednesday night i was hyperventilating and crying and being really mean to my boyfriend who was trying to help all because i didn't want to teach ASL at the preschool the next morning. what's up, am i five?! no. i have anxiety disorder. and depression. and OCD. and panic attacks. and a terrible habit of forgetting my medicine. this is how i know it's physical condition- like diabetes or something. i don't choose it, and i can't much control it. i can control how i deal with it, but i can't make it go away. i don't think, when i'm thinking clearly, that it's a weakness to take medicine, but i'm not always thinking clearly, and the mindset of many in the world doesn't help me here. so point being, i have the most patient boyfriend in the world, and i need stop being an idiot and remember to take my medicine.

i just want to be real. i want to be transparent in that what you see is what you get. i want there to be integrity in all areas of my life. i want the person i am at church to be the person i am at work, the person i am at home alone to be the person i am out with my friends. i don't want to be ashamed of my weaknesses or downfalls or past. i want to be able to just say, "yep, this is who i am. i'm a sinner. but jesus loves me, and i love him, and he's making me new. this is who i am, take it or leave it." in a world so plastic and painted, this is hard to do. i am determined to try.