starting with and

it's hard to hear about the boy hanging out with someone who hurt me so much, and i know (though i won't ask) he is on his side. i hate anything with sides. i want everything to be circles.

so he avoided telling me until today that he even was in town and that he was going to hang out with said ex-friend. that's not cool. i don't like being deceived. if deception comes with good intentions, it's still deception, yeah?

i made the mistake of telling tricia (my boss at work, also a really cool 20something year old) that my best friend's family and i have a weird situation. i don't think she'll say anything, and i didn't get anymore indepth than that (except for forgetting that the youngest one works there now and mentioning that she hates me), so it should be okay. i don't think my best friend would be mad, but i'm really bad about telling what's okay to say and what's not. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut. sometimes i really stink at that.

i did, however, use my big mouth to eat an entire baked potato (slightly smaller than my fist) in one bite, causing tricia to award me with a free slice of strawberry and whip cream topped cheesecake. i guess having a big mouth isn't all bad.

but here i am, in the interrim between shifts, knowing i have two papers to write for tomorrow and debating whether or not to take a nap. thought of said papers makes my anxiety creep in like the graying clouds you barely notice until suddenly you find yourself trapped in the middle of a torrential hail storm.

having these kinds of crazy disorders leaves one with some serious questions. am i this way because of some sin/am i sinning when i feel this way? is it sinful to take medicine? is this a character flaw? what is God trying to teach me? is this preparation for something awful? is this the thorn in my side? how does God want me to deal with this?

yep. lots of questions.

some of them i know the answer, most of them not. i'm just trusting in his goodness and sovereignty. i don't see many better options.

i wish i didn't have to deal with this so much, especially so much on my own. yeah i take medicine, but it's still here. my parents don't understand at all. i've tried working with them on it, and it's way more trouble than it's worth. my friends don't really understand. how can i ask them to? it's completely illogical. the best they can do is love me inspite of myself, which they do (all 2 of them), and i'm grateful for that. but i wish i had someone here, an actual, tangible person, who understood what this is like, would be patient with me, would know how to handle it, would encourage me, and would actually be available when i need them. is it sinful to want that? Jesus is enough, i understand that, sometimes i feel it, other times i have to just know and believe it, but i want to know, is it okay to want this kind of person in my life? will i ever have it?