is this what i asked for?

last night i prayed that God would do what He wanted with me, whatever that may be. that i didn't want to just say, "do what you want, as long as it's what i want, too," anymore. and then today comes and this happens. is this his answer?

my "health" is in question, yet again. i found myself utterly terrified today, unable to remember another set of hours of my life. when i put the pieces together a vague puzzle of where i'd been and all that i don't remember came together, leaving a picture of another bout of random amnesia. it may sound silly or unreal, but it's very real, and very frightening.

my boyfriend is busy, working away, my mentor MIA as usual lately, my best friend seems somewhat void of advice, and so i am left to try to communicate with the "doctor on call"- since my neurologist is also away- all by myself. really i don't know what i'm doing. i'm trying not to be half hearted about getting help, but i'm really torn. i'm terrified at the possibilities and want to know what's wrong with me, but i also don't want to know, or go through all the ways of finding out. i spent last christmas in and out of the hospital. i don't want to spend this one the same way. the prospect of even the smallest and least painful of the tests i went through little less than a year ago drops my heart to my knotted stomach. no one seems to know how much this is scaring me. i'm telling myself they don't know because i don't like the idea that they don't care. i really don't like that idea. if i have to do this again, i will, but i don't think i can do it again alone (again). please, friends, don't abandon me now.