another night from hades

i hate myself with such a passion i could scream. evidently i'm completely blind to the wretch that i truly am. how could that not be so when two people who were so close to me only moments ago seem to be crying out just that? i know i'm a sinner, but i didn't know i was crappier than your average friend, too. i want so badly to be a good friend, and it all backfires in my face. right now i just want to cry and bleed, pour out all the ache and sadness within me in streams of salt and blood. empty every vein that courses with confusion and despair. and i can't even write this on my public journal because eyes will roll and heads will shake and "she's so dramatic" will be whispered. but this is how i FEEL! everyone tries to tell me how i feel. well, i already know, and this is it.

i wish i could call you. i wish i could call you. i wish. i wish. i wish...