everything's backwards in the looking glass house

i don't feel like i know my best friend anymore. she's become mildly unpredictable to me. she gets upset with me so easily it seems now. she says she's not bitter or angry or upset with me because of anything involving her brother, and i know she really believes that because she wouldn't lie, but i think that deep down, beyond her conscious knowledge, she really is. i can feel the anger simmering beneath her skin most of the time. it's not always directed toward me, and when it is, it's often indirect. so much anger inside of her. it's started to bubble out. it can't be kept inside any longer. it terrifies me. i love her, i want her to get it out, to feel better, but when it comes out like this, just sloshing over the sides because it's too full, not because it's emptying itself out, it doesn't help in the long run. she's still full of anger, and i don't know when it's going to slosh out at me.

i think, if she read this or if i told her this, she would be upset and say that i wasn't being fair and i wasn't right. i may not be right, i can't read all of her insides, but this is what i see. it's been worse in the last month. she keeps telling me she's not who she was and she can't be the best friend i want. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. does that mean i'm not supposed to want her as my best friend? i don't know. i tried to ask her but i didn't really understand the response. stupid me. and i wonder if it's been worse lately because of the one year anniversary since it all went down, not to mention my somewhat reconciliation with the instigator of it all.

all i know is that my friends or friendships, as i knew them, are dropping like flies, and last night i called the boy frantic and balling, pleading for him not to leave me, too.