if you can't handle honesty, don't read this

people often tell you they'll be there for you- always. what a foolish thing to say. no one can do that but God. a smarter thing to say is that they'll try, and some say that, but even that, i have learned, is fooling oneself. you will not always try. you will try when you feel like it, and sometimes when you don't, but sometimes you won't try because you don't feel like it, or it's inconvenient, or just because.

i appreciate the sentiment of people who say, "i'll be there for you if you need me. you can call me anytime," but i don't believe it. i have not seen it proven. i have not seen a person, at any given time of day or night, take me wholly as i am. no one but Jesus. i don't expect anyone but Jesus to be able to, but it'd be nice if people quit acting like they could when they can't. it leaves me with the sort of broken heart only a broken promise brings.

tonight i would like to call someone. specific someones, nonspecific someones. i want to tell them how i am feeling. i want to show them the scars on my arm. i want to tell them that i don't want that again, but i do. just like the scars on my heart. scars aren't supposed to hurt any more, but they do. and if you can make them bleed again, then people will tend to your wounds, or at least recognize that they're there. no one's going to offer you a band-aid for a cut that isn't bleeding.

i begin to wonder if this bout of melancholy is due to the lack of 20mg of an antidepressant. will i ever know if my feelings are genuinely merited? can anyone truly tell me? and how much does it matter?

so here i am, faced with choices. do i cry? do i reinvent my room (a strange sort of therapy i am fond of)? do i bleed (a worse form of therapy i am strangely fond of)? do i pray? do i write? do i call? do i write out my homework and study for my test tomorrow? do i pretend this didn't happen? do i lie to myself?

i keep breathing. right now, that's all i can do.