Usher Me Down

Lord,

I can't help but wonder if my car accident was your way of slowing me down. It seems like something always has to happen to knock me to my knees and bow my head to your throne. How much simpler it would be if I would simply bend on my own! But Lord, I can do nothing without your grace- not even come to you. I thank you for this. I thank you for this because I know now that nothing I do will ever be worth anything, and everything you do will always be worth everything. I can always depend on you to make all the difference. You are always faithful.

Today I was very much slowed down. I was overwhelmed with a sense of fear and panic this morning, unable to move for several moments. I finally forced myself to go to a place that is usually my favorite but today was just as horrifying as any other. To take care of the children this morning was as far as I made it, spending the rest of the day in bed, sleeping or praying, my back aching the whole time, my heart beating wildly, still pressed by fear and anxiety, of what I'm still not sure. I knew all afternoon that only you could help me, but I didn't know how to approach you. I'm still not. I am taking solace in that you come before I even call out loud. You are always with me. You are with me now. Thank you, Spirit, thank you, Father, thank you, Jesus. You know my heart, and you love me anyway.

I told my teachers I had a family emergency and couldn't be in class today. By that I meant I desperately needed to spend time with my Father because my heart was urgently shuddering in fear. I can't understand myself, Father. I don't know why I get so overwhelmed with fear, panic, loss of perfection, coming back to school after missing a day, absolutely nothing at all. I am so weak, and everything is too much for me. All powerful Lord, I need your strength to do everything, to go to school, to do my homework, to take each breath. I would be so lost without you. I can't even bear the thought!

Sometimes, God, I'm afraid to read the Bible. I don't know why. It gets like everything else for me- if I miss once, I feel like I can't ever go back, and I'm paralyzed with fear. This is senseless, I know, but you made me, so surely you understand. How do I overcome this, Abba? How do I forget what is behind and press on toward the goal for which you have called me heavenward? How do I keep my eyes locked on the author and perfector of my faith, the precious one who died for me? You have promised me new mercies each day, could you possibly give me new strength as well? Can this be part of the mercy you daily impart upon me? For I am desperate for it, Lord, even as I am desperate for you.

I find myself wondering, how can I be your hands and feet when I can't even be my own? Or is it that what you wish to show me? That I can't be my own. That I can't be yours. That I can't be anything. Not as I am. I can only ever be anything, even the simplest of good things, through you. How often I seem to need this reminder- and how faithful you are to do whatever you have to do to get through to me! I'm glad you pursue me so vigorously, Lord, with such passion. You love me with a deeper and more intimate love than I will ever fully comprehend. For this, I am most grateful. For this, I will sing your praises. Out of my thankful heart that was mended with your scars, I will lay my life down for your worship. Through your grace and strength will I serve you, a song on my lips, your melody in my heart. I love you, precious Savior, and I thank you!