modern day psalms

i have been very irritable lately, and the cause had completely eluded me. i'm still not sure why exactly, but i cling tigthly to the notion (not excuse) that there is a reason to everything. there is a cause behind every affect, right mr. acquinas? maybe it's the unfortunate plight of women, maybe the changing meds, maybe being thrown into constant contact, maybe the lack of sleep, maybe eating too much sugar, maybe not spending enough time with God. honestly, i have no idea. i just know i'm tired of it. i am determined to consciously full force fight it. i know i'll fail on my own, though, the last few days have proved it.

i am coming, on my knees, pleading to be changed. my heart is hard, my body weak, my tongue sharp, my mind numb. i need the invasion of the holy spirit. i need to be crumpled up and thrown away until only Christ remains. please, Lord, take over. i'm so sick of me. i need you.

last night i found myself trapped in the bell jar. how long i've occupied that cramped and suffocated space, i don't know. it's clear as glass and i could see right through it. i didn't even realize there were walls around me, shutting out the air, stealing away each breath. it wasn't until i tried to get out that i even knew i was in. i couldn't reach out to the boy or up to the Savior without banging hands and head against the glass, finally realizing my entrapment. so, Lord, i'm asking, asking you, the only one who can, to free me. pull me out. let me breathe. i need you, Jesus. please, i need you.