Conversation

Lord Jesus,

I come to you, again with the weight of the world on my shoulders. You have promised an easy yoke and a light burden, so I know the pains I carry are not from you, and as such, I am eager to hand them over and make them yours. What is this shadow within me that screams so loudly and drowns out your still small voice? I long for the day that I am rid of this flesh and can do nothing but worship you as the Holy Spirit within me desires. Until then, God, I am left to battle in this constant warring of soul and flesh. I must confess, Lord, I often feel much more like a casualty than a conqueror. I know that with you I can send the mountains crumbling into the sea, I can scale any wall, I can walk on water, but Lord, I’m not asking for big miracles, I just want the strength, peace, and will to go to class! Sometimes it is the smallest thing that requires the most faith. Do I not trust you to go before and with me? Have you not promised to do so? Have you not always been faithful? And yet, have I not always been cowardly? And again you whisper, “It’s not about you.” And again I cry out, “But isn’t it?” Oh Father, you must laugh at my childish foolishness. I am a magnet for my own eyes, and it takes all the power of your spirit within me to so much as glance a moment in your direction. How I long to stay in your presence! To keep my eyes on you, to bathe in your warmth, feel the security of the embrace of the one who hung the stars and knows them by name. You know also my name. Much more than that, you know my heart. You know how much of a struggle the simplest of tasks can be for me. You know I’m not like most everyone else, at least not in this way. You feel my fear, you see my jealousy when I burn with envy over the ease with which others do the very same things I stay up all night paralyzed about. You know how it pains me to miss a class, how I writhe with embarrassment when I have to explain my anxiety to most anyone, especially to those who have no capacity to understand. I thank you that you have given me close friends who, though they have never felt this before, can look on me with the compassion of my Savior. I feel your love through them, Jesus, and I thank you. They are just human like me, though, and they have their own trials and tribulations to overcome. They cannot carry me as you can. They cannot be there every time I call. They cannot even always try to be. So often I look to those around me for the strength and comfort I can only receive directly from the true source of all strength and all comfort, of all good things. Forgive me for that, Father. Forgive me for placing anyone and anything- and regretfully, sometimes everyone and everything- on the throne that rightfully belongs only to you.

So, Father, this may sound silly, but can you please give me some practical advice? Let me rephrase that, will you please give me some practical advice? What do I do about my job? What do I do about Africa? What about CSUN? And even more so, how do I do these things? I mean really, in all practicality, how do I keep this frantic mind from swallowing me whole?

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things… and the God of peace will be with you.” -Phil. 4:8-9

My immediate reaction is yes, I knew that, but my mind seems impossible to tame!

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” -Phil. 4:13

Are you sure? All things?

“…Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think…” -Eph. 3:20

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’” -2 Cor. 12:9

Okay, I get it. You win.

“Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me… for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Cor. 12:9-10


“Vindicate me, O God, and plead my case against an ungodly nation; O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For You are the God of my strength; why have You rejected me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, O God, my God.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”

-Psalm 43