ugh

Oh, migraine, how I hate you.

looking ahead, looking behind

Journals are a blessing. Looking back at the way things were five and six years ago and seeing God's faithfulness is amazing. I know there's a story in the old testament where the Hebrews take stones from the bottom of the Red Sea as they cross over the dry ground when God parts the waters for their exodus from Egypt. They set up those stones as a rememberence of what he had done, so that they would not forget. A tangible reminder. Proof for their wandering and forgetful hearts. I think my journals are my memory stones, building an altar that can't help but shout out God's faithfulness, justice, longsuffering, and ever-present love in the midst of my fallen and fragile undeserving life. How cool that I have the opportunity, the ability, the resources to keep a journal! And praise God for the eyes to (at least today) see this gift! I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes that has been a bit of a theme in my life lately:

"I did not ask for success; I asked for wonder." -Abraham Joshua Heschel

I love this quote. Sometimes I think I am so fond of it because success isn't something I'm all too familiar with, but most of the time I like it because God has given me such *wonder*-- and I wouldn't trade it for anything! I often find myself marveling at all He has blessed me with, spiritual to material to physical and mental ability to do anything at all, to live life, to enjoy it. I look at the few people He has knitted closely to my heart and I am amazed. They are so beautiful, so intricate, so fearfully made. I see reflections of His goodness everywhere. And in all of my joyful rambling I praise Him that He makes sense of my soul and that my happy thankful ramblings are a sweet sound to His ear.

There are no words for your unending goodness, Lord. Thanks for bearing with me while I stumble about with them anyway, too filled not to overflow with thankfulness! <3

hide and seek

Lord,

You have promised that if I seek with all my heart, I shall find you. I am seeking, Lord. I am seeking with everything I have. Yet I feel no different. Have I stopped seeking you and started seeking emotions I wish to feel? I have looked and searched with all my heart. I have not found happiness. I have not found total release from my anxiety. I have only found you, the same you as always. The you who spoke the oceans into existence and yet humbled himself to death on a tree for my wretch's heart. I have found only that you are the same. You are still God. You are still holy. You are still faithful. You are still sovereign. Your promises are still true.

Father, though I have not found happiness, though I have not found complete release from anxiety, you have not changed. Your holiness has not diminished. You have not become less faithful to me. You are still the sovereign God who keeps all his promises. You still love me beyond what I can understand, and you still died to save me. No matter how afraid or unhappy I am, or how I or my life may change, you are forever the same, you are forever worthy of praise. So even now, as I find myself in a season of sorrow and fear, I can do nothing but praise you, for you are always worthy of my praise.

living water

Lord,

You have created another refreshing rainy day outside, but inside my heart is gray and weary. I greet the day again feeling overwhelmed, sunken in a pit of anxiety and despair. I look to my friends, but they simply shrug their shoulders and tell me to learn to do the same. I am told I let too much get to me, that everything is fine, that I just need to relax, as if it were so simple as sitting down or taking a nap. But Father, for me, it is not simple. It is very complex. It is also quite difficult. The inner workings of my head and heart are too much for even me to understand. In this elaborate labyrinth of trepidation and trembling I am forever finding towering walls and laughing dead ends. As I stare day after day at these dark looming walls I can hear Solomon whispering in my ear that yes, it truly is all vanity and vexation of spirit. Yet, since it is all inside of me, no one but you and I can truly see the struggle, the grueling hunt for freedom in all it's endless intensity. I find tastes of your peace in prayer and in your word along the way, but so often they seem a trickling fountain and not a swelling oasis. They satisfy the depths of me, but only for a moment, and then again I am parched for your living water. Where, Father? How, Jesus? How do I be filled with your living water all the time? You have promised that once I drink from you, I will never thirst again. But Lord, I do thirst. I thirst all the more! I have only come to know my thirst so well it seems alive in itself. Perhaps this is what you mean? Not that after one drink my thirst will be forever absolved, but instead that I will not thirst anymore because when I do, you will always be there to quench it? So show me, Lord, show me how to let you quench my thirst. I am so thirsty. I need your living water. I am dying without it.

when it all comes down

Lord,

You have watched me fail. I know, since you are my Father, that it couldn't have felt good for you, either. I don't know why I have to go through these trials, but I thank you that if you are using them to hold my attention in your direction, that you would be so humble as to let me come to you in this way. You are the most perfect and holy one, and you deserve only the best, yet you allow me to crawl back to you at my wit's end, sometimes (and embarrassingly so) as my last resource (help me never to come to you as that again! I want you to be my first!). What humility you show! As if dying on the cross weren't enough to show your humility, you continue to prove it daily as you bend down from your highest throne to meet me where I am. What a wonderful Savior. What a wonderful love.

So, Lord, I don't know what the next week, the next day, or even the next moment brings, but whatever it brings, I know it is from your hand, and I praise you. You have placed your symphony in my heart and I pray that it will overflow into my words and thoughts and actions. The world around me is constantly changing, and not for the better. It is against me and this love I have inside, but you, my precious Father, you are the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. You will never be less than the most beautiful. You will never be less than full of mercy and grace. You will never be less than passionately in love with me. Thank you, Father, for you will always be my God.

Conversation

Lord Jesus,

I come to you, again with the weight of the world on my shoulders. You have promised an easy yoke and a light burden, so I know the pains I carry are not from you, and as such, I am eager to hand them over and make them yours. What is this shadow within me that screams so loudly and drowns out your still small voice? I long for the day that I am rid of this flesh and can do nothing but worship you as the Holy Spirit within me desires. Until then, God, I am left to battle in this constant warring of soul and flesh. I must confess, Lord, I often feel much more like a casualty than a conqueror. I know that with you I can send the mountains crumbling into the sea, I can scale any wall, I can walk on water, but Lord, I’m not asking for big miracles, I just want the strength, peace, and will to go to class! Sometimes it is the smallest thing that requires the most faith. Do I not trust you to go before and with me? Have you not promised to do so? Have you not always been faithful? And yet, have I not always been cowardly? And again you whisper, “It’s not about you.” And again I cry out, “But isn’t it?” Oh Father, you must laugh at my childish foolishness. I am a magnet for my own eyes, and it takes all the power of your spirit within me to so much as glance a moment in your direction. How I long to stay in your presence! To keep my eyes on you, to bathe in your warmth, feel the security of the embrace of the one who hung the stars and knows them by name. You know also my name. Much more than that, you know my heart. You know how much of a struggle the simplest of tasks can be for me. You know I’m not like most everyone else, at least not in this way. You feel my fear, you see my jealousy when I burn with envy over the ease with which others do the very same things I stay up all night paralyzed about. You know how it pains me to miss a class, how I writhe with embarrassment when I have to explain my anxiety to most anyone, especially to those who have no capacity to understand. I thank you that you have given me close friends who, though they have never felt this before, can look on me with the compassion of my Savior. I feel your love through them, Jesus, and I thank you. They are just human like me, though, and they have their own trials and tribulations to overcome. They cannot carry me as you can. They cannot be there every time I call. They cannot even always try to be. So often I look to those around me for the strength and comfort I can only receive directly from the true source of all strength and all comfort, of all good things. Forgive me for that, Father. Forgive me for placing anyone and anything- and regretfully, sometimes everyone and everything- on the throne that rightfully belongs only to you.

So, Father, this may sound silly, but can you please give me some practical advice? Let me rephrase that, will you please give me some practical advice? What do I do about my job? What do I do about Africa? What about CSUN? And even more so, how do I do these things? I mean really, in all practicality, how do I keep this frantic mind from swallowing me whole?

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things… and the God of peace will be with you.” -Phil. 4:8-9

My immediate reaction is yes, I knew that, but my mind seems impossible to tame!

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” -Phil. 4:13

Are you sure? All things?

“…Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think…” -Eph. 3:20

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’” -2 Cor. 12:9

Okay, I get it. You win.

“Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me… for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Cor. 12:9-10


“Vindicate me, O God, and plead my case against an ungodly nation; O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For You are the God of my strength; why have You rejected me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, O God, my God.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”

-Psalm 43

Usher Me Down

Lord,

I can't help but wonder if my car accident was your way of slowing me down. It seems like something always has to happen to knock me to my knees and bow my head to your throne. How much simpler it would be if I would simply bend on my own! But Lord, I can do nothing without your grace- not even come to you. I thank you for this. I thank you for this because I know now that nothing I do will ever be worth anything, and everything you do will always be worth everything. I can always depend on you to make all the difference. You are always faithful.

Today I was very much slowed down. I was overwhelmed with a sense of fear and panic this morning, unable to move for several moments. I finally forced myself to go to a place that is usually my favorite but today was just as horrifying as any other. To take care of the children this morning was as far as I made it, spending the rest of the day in bed, sleeping or praying, my back aching the whole time, my heart beating wildly, still pressed by fear and anxiety, of what I'm still not sure. I knew all afternoon that only you could help me, but I didn't know how to approach you. I'm still not. I am taking solace in that you come before I even call out loud. You are always with me. You are with me now. Thank you, Spirit, thank you, Father, thank you, Jesus. You know my heart, and you love me anyway.

I told my teachers I had a family emergency and couldn't be in class today. By that I meant I desperately needed to spend time with my Father because my heart was urgently shuddering in fear. I can't understand myself, Father. I don't know why I get so overwhelmed with fear, panic, loss of perfection, coming back to school after missing a day, absolutely nothing at all. I am so weak, and everything is too much for me. All powerful Lord, I need your strength to do everything, to go to school, to do my homework, to take each breath. I would be so lost without you. I can't even bear the thought!

Sometimes, God, I'm afraid to read the Bible. I don't know why. It gets like everything else for me- if I miss once, I feel like I can't ever go back, and I'm paralyzed with fear. This is senseless, I know, but you made me, so surely you understand. How do I overcome this, Abba? How do I forget what is behind and press on toward the goal for which you have called me heavenward? How do I keep my eyes locked on the author and perfector of my faith, the precious one who died for me? You have promised me new mercies each day, could you possibly give me new strength as well? Can this be part of the mercy you daily impart upon me? For I am desperate for it, Lord, even as I am desperate for you.

I find myself wondering, how can I be your hands and feet when I can't even be my own? Or is it that what you wish to show me? That I can't be my own. That I can't be yours. That I can't be anything. Not as I am. I can only ever be anything, even the simplest of good things, through you. How often I seem to need this reminder- and how faithful you are to do whatever you have to do to get through to me! I'm glad you pursue me so vigorously, Lord, with such passion. You love me with a deeper and more intimate love than I will ever fully comprehend. For this, I am most grateful. For this, I will sing your praises. Out of my thankful heart that was mended with your scars, I will lay my life down for your worship. Through your grace and strength will I serve you, a song on my lips, your melody in my heart. I love you, precious Savior, and I thank you!

modern day psalms

i have been very irritable lately, and the cause had completely eluded me. i'm still not sure why exactly, but i cling tigthly to the notion (not excuse) that there is a reason to everything. there is a cause behind every affect, right mr. acquinas? maybe it's the unfortunate plight of women, maybe the changing meds, maybe being thrown into constant contact, maybe the lack of sleep, maybe eating too much sugar, maybe not spending enough time with God. honestly, i have no idea. i just know i'm tired of it. i am determined to consciously full force fight it. i know i'll fail on my own, though, the last few days have proved it.

i am coming, on my knees, pleading to be changed. my heart is hard, my body weak, my tongue sharp, my mind numb. i need the invasion of the holy spirit. i need to be crumpled up and thrown away until only Christ remains. please, Lord, take over. i'm so sick of me. i need you.

last night i found myself trapped in the bell jar. how long i've occupied that cramped and suffocated space, i don't know. it's clear as glass and i could see right through it. i didn't even realize there were walls around me, shutting out the air, stealing away each breath. it wasn't until i tried to get out that i even knew i was in. i couldn't reach out to the boy or up to the Savior without banging hands and head against the glass, finally realizing my entrapment. so, Lord, i'm asking, asking you, the only one who can, to free me. pull me out. let me breathe. i need you, Jesus. please, i need you.