if you can't handle honesty, don't read this

people often tell you they'll be there for you- always. what a foolish thing to say. no one can do that but God. a smarter thing to say is that they'll try, and some say that, but even that, i have learned, is fooling oneself. you will not always try. you will try when you feel like it, and sometimes when you don't, but sometimes you won't try because you don't feel like it, or it's inconvenient, or just because.

i appreciate the sentiment of people who say, "i'll be there for you if you need me. you can call me anytime," but i don't believe it. i have not seen it proven. i have not seen a person, at any given time of day or night, take me wholly as i am. no one but Jesus. i don't expect anyone but Jesus to be able to, but it'd be nice if people quit acting like they could when they can't. it leaves me with the sort of broken heart only a broken promise brings.

tonight i would like to call someone. specific someones, nonspecific someones. i want to tell them how i am feeling. i want to show them the scars on my arm. i want to tell them that i don't want that again, but i do. just like the scars on my heart. scars aren't supposed to hurt any more, but they do. and if you can make them bleed again, then people will tend to your wounds, or at least recognize that they're there. no one's going to offer you a band-aid for a cut that isn't bleeding.

i begin to wonder if this bout of melancholy is due to the lack of 20mg of an antidepressant. will i ever know if my feelings are genuinely merited? can anyone truly tell me? and how much does it matter?

so here i am, faced with choices. do i cry? do i reinvent my room (a strange sort of therapy i am fond of)? do i bleed (a worse form of therapy i am strangely fond of)? do i pray? do i write? do i call? do i write out my homework and study for my test tomorrow? do i pretend this didn't happen? do i lie to myself?

i keep breathing. right now, that's all i can do.

the Best Friend

sometimes it is sad to feel one half-step above friendless. then the warmth of Christ fills my heart, and friendless is so far away it's not even a dot in the distance.

"If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for all of us- how will he not also, along with us, graciously give us all things?" -Romans 8:31

goodbye, childhood

i will be 20 years old in exactly one week.

on my sleeve

i think the depth of my emotions frightens people. i am not for the faint of heart.

sometimes, satan gets me thinking that it's wrong to feel so deeply. then, thank God, i read a psalm.

God is so good.

in mysterious ways

God provides. and how.

he loves me through my pain, through these situations. in this all, he is calling me to himself, jealous for my heart.

to think that the God of the universe is jealous for my intimate attention! it will never cease to amaze me. let me not forget.

situations have not changed. my heart has. thank you, Jesus. i praise you, God of all comfort. i give You my heart.

another night from hades

i hate myself with such a passion i could scream. evidently i'm completely blind to the wretch that i truly am. how could that not be so when two people who were so close to me only moments ago seem to be crying out just that? i know i'm a sinner, but i didn't know i was crappier than your average friend, too. i want so badly to be a good friend, and it all backfires in my face. right now i just want to cry and bleed, pour out all the ache and sadness within me in streams of salt and blood. empty every vein that courses with confusion and despair. and i can't even write this on my public journal because eyes will roll and heads will shake and "she's so dramatic" will be whispered. but this is how i FEEL! everyone tries to tell me how i feel. well, i already know, and this is it.

i wish i could call you. i wish i could call you. i wish. i wish. i wish...

everything's backwards in the looking glass house

i don't feel like i know my best friend anymore. she's become mildly unpredictable to me. she gets upset with me so easily it seems now. she says she's not bitter or angry or upset with me because of anything involving her brother, and i know she really believes that because she wouldn't lie, but i think that deep down, beyond her conscious knowledge, she really is. i can feel the anger simmering beneath her skin most of the time. it's not always directed toward me, and when it is, it's often indirect. so much anger inside of her. it's started to bubble out. it can't be kept inside any longer. it terrifies me. i love her, i want her to get it out, to feel better, but when it comes out like this, just sloshing over the sides because it's too full, not because it's emptying itself out, it doesn't help in the long run. she's still full of anger, and i don't know when it's going to slosh out at me.

i think, if she read this or if i told her this, she would be upset and say that i wasn't being fair and i wasn't right. i may not be right, i can't read all of her insides, but this is what i see. it's been worse in the last month. she keeps telling me she's not who she was and she can't be the best friend i want. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. does that mean i'm not supposed to want her as my best friend? i don't know. i tried to ask her but i didn't really understand the response. stupid me. and i wonder if it's been worse lately because of the one year anniversary since it all went down, not to mention my somewhat reconciliation with the instigator of it all.

all i know is that my friends or friendships, as i knew them, are dropping like flies, and last night i called the boy frantic and balling, pleading for him not to leave me, too.