is this what i asked for?

last night i prayed that God would do what He wanted with me, whatever that may be. that i didn't want to just say, "do what you want, as long as it's what i want, too," anymore. and then today comes and this happens. is this his answer?

my "health" is in question, yet again. i found myself utterly terrified today, unable to remember another set of hours of my life. when i put the pieces together a vague puzzle of where i'd been and all that i don't remember came together, leaving a picture of another bout of random amnesia. it may sound silly or unreal, but it's very real, and very frightening.

my boyfriend is busy, working away, my mentor MIA as usual lately, my best friend seems somewhat void of advice, and so i am left to try to communicate with the "doctor on call"- since my neurologist is also away- all by myself. really i don't know what i'm doing. i'm trying not to be half hearted about getting help, but i'm really torn. i'm terrified at the possibilities and want to know what's wrong with me, but i also don't want to know, or go through all the ways of finding out. i spent last christmas in and out of the hospital. i don't want to spend this one the same way. the prospect of even the smallest and least painful of the tests i went through little less than a year ago drops my heart to my knotted stomach. no one seems to know how much this is scaring me. i'm telling myself they don't know because i don't like the idea that they don't care. i really don't like that idea. if i have to do this again, i will, but i don't think i can do it again alone (again). please, friends, don't abandon me now.

feeling abandoned

i haven't felt so awful and on so many levels for a long time.

oh well, it's about time i cry myself to sleep.

starting with and

it's hard to hear about the boy hanging out with someone who hurt me so much, and i know (though i won't ask) he is on his side. i hate anything with sides. i want everything to be circles.

so he avoided telling me until today that he even was in town and that he was going to hang out with said ex-friend. that's not cool. i don't like being deceived. if deception comes with good intentions, it's still deception, yeah?

i made the mistake of telling tricia (my boss at work, also a really cool 20something year old) that my best friend's family and i have a weird situation. i don't think she'll say anything, and i didn't get anymore indepth than that (except for forgetting that the youngest one works there now and mentioning that she hates me), so it should be okay. i don't think my best friend would be mad, but i'm really bad about telling what's okay to say and what's not. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut. sometimes i really stink at that.

i did, however, use my big mouth to eat an entire baked potato (slightly smaller than my fist) in one bite, causing tricia to award me with a free slice of strawberry and whip cream topped cheesecake. i guess having a big mouth isn't all bad.

but here i am, in the interrim between shifts, knowing i have two papers to write for tomorrow and debating whether or not to take a nap. thought of said papers makes my anxiety creep in like the graying clouds you barely notice until suddenly you find yourself trapped in the middle of a torrential hail storm.

having these kinds of crazy disorders leaves one with some serious questions. am i this way because of some sin/am i sinning when i feel this way? is it sinful to take medicine? is this a character flaw? what is God trying to teach me? is this preparation for something awful? is this the thorn in my side? how does God want me to deal with this?

yep. lots of questions.

some of them i know the answer, most of them not. i'm just trusting in his goodness and sovereignty. i don't see many better options.

i wish i didn't have to deal with this so much, especially so much on my own. yeah i take medicine, but it's still here. my parents don't understand at all. i've tried working with them on it, and it's way more trouble than it's worth. my friends don't really understand. how can i ask them to? it's completely illogical. the best they can do is love me inspite of myself, which they do (all 2 of them), and i'm grateful for that. but i wish i had someone here, an actual, tangible person, who understood what this is like, would be patient with me, would know how to handle it, would encourage me, and would actually be available when i need them. is it sinful to want that? Jesus is enough, i understand that, sometimes i feel it, other times i have to just know and believe it, but i want to know, is it okay to want this kind of person in my life? will i ever have it?

joy and a song

last night, the God of all comfort wrapped me in his word and sang me to sleep.

"Indeed, the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places. And her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and sound of a melody." -Isaiah 51:3

another average night

woa. anxiety totally sucks.

i find myself paralyzed, timidly peering into the depths of my anxious mind, my toes over the edge, a swirling black pitch beneath me.

these aren't the kind of feelings that can be funneled into letters and spit out in words. they are untranslateable.

i don't want to be alone. i feel like all would be better if i just had arms to hold me. because of this, i wonder if there ever will be.

i know God wants me to rely solely on him. is this his way of breaking me? i have to admit, i'd rather not be broken. i'd rather just have the benefits from the start. i've been thinking that this is why i'll have to wait so long to be with the boy- because it can still too easily crawl onto the throne of my heart. our relationship is my isaac. God asks me to put it on the altar everyday, and he promises to provide the ram.

oh Lord, this is so hard. it is so hard to be apart. it is so hard to hurt and have him hundreds of miles away. be my comfort, Jesus. be the arms that surround me.

just real

i came to this place because i wanted to be real. at xanga, everyone has their impressions of me. i can't post things only for certain people. if i post, everyone sees it. here, no one but sonia, a wonderful girl i hardly know, knows that this is this girl laid out in this text box. i hope, unless i invite the boy to come here, that it stays that way. it is freer, like sending out messages in a bottle.

i have been so anxious and irritable this week. wednesday night i was hyperventilating and crying and being really mean to my boyfriend who was trying to help all because i didn't want to teach ASL at the preschool the next morning. what's up, am i five?! no. i have anxiety disorder. and depression. and OCD. and panic attacks. and a terrible habit of forgetting my medicine. this is how i know it's physical condition- like diabetes or something. i don't choose it, and i can't much control it. i can control how i deal with it, but i can't make it go away. i don't think, when i'm thinking clearly, that it's a weakness to take medicine, but i'm not always thinking clearly, and the mindset of many in the world doesn't help me here. so point being, i have the most patient boyfriend in the world, and i need stop being an idiot and remember to take my medicine.

i just want to be real. i want to be transparent in that what you see is what you get. i want there to be integrity in all areas of my life. i want the person i am at church to be the person i am at work, the person i am at home alone to be the person i am out with my friends. i don't want to be ashamed of my weaknesses or downfalls or past. i want to be able to just say, "yep, this is who i am. i'm a sinner. but jesus loves me, and i love him, and he's making me new. this is who i am, take it or leave it." in a world so plastic and painted, this is hard to do. i am determined to try.

Psalm 33:20-22

a pictorial metaphor for our lives

my heart laid bare

Heavenly Father,
I can't seem to be all that I want to be, but I think I can at least be honest. Lord, I am confused. I can't seem to reconcile eternity with the temporal, the past with the future. My mind is too finite and simple. All I want to do is take a nap- rest my body and release my mind to the escape of dreams.
My puppy, for whom I thank you, is curled up next to me, and I envy her simplicity. She is so content to be who you made her. Why am I not content to be who I am? Is it because I am so flawed? Lord, why would you make people you knew would sin and bring so much pain into the world? Why would you, a loving God, create an angel that would turn from you and bring evil into existance? Pastor Angel showed us verses that lead us to conclude that you do all things for the glory of your name. All things. Even this, Lord? How could this possibly bring you glory? How could this possibly be love? Is it that I don't understand glory or love? If you are who you say you are, and I believe you are, then I must not understand love or glory as they truly are, as you understand them. Will I ever while I'm living? Could you, would you, make me to know? Almighty God, I want to see your glory. You call me your child, so please, I ask you as my heavenly Father, show me your glory! Show me as you showed Moses on the mount! Make my face radiant with it.

Lord, I want to know you. Sometimes it is so hard for me to separate you from your works. Lord, help me to know YOU. Help me to know you as I would a friend. Spend time with me, Jesus, just the two of us. Tell me about yourself. Let me gaze into the depths of your heart. Tell me what's on your mind. Confide in me as you would a friend. Lord, you called Abaham your friend, won't you please call me your friend, too?

another beautiful sunset from my backyard 

last wednesday's prayer

"For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."
-Psalm 86:13

Father God,
So much has happened inside and around me. I see that I've been trying to go it on my own because I don't like your way, or I'm scared of it, or the mystery of it paralyzes me. I want to abandon myself to your will, but I'm not sure what that means. What, in all practicality, does it mean? It seems like I'm always digging myself into a pit and then crying for you to drag me out of it. I tell myself that's not fair to you and I should climb out on my own, since I got myself into the mess in the first place. But the truth is, God, digging myself into a pit is all I can do. I lie to myself, to you, to everyone else to think otherwise. Only you can keep my feet from slipping, only you can free them from the snare. SO I can either keep digging, or I can put down my shovel and let you pull me out. Lord, I'm muddy, sore, and exhausted, and I'm ready to be rescued. Please rescue me from myself.

testing, 1, 2, 3...

i want to see how this looks.